1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,000 This programme contains strong language and adult humour. 2 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,080 Who owns the Infinity Gauntlet? 'Thanos.' 3 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:35,800 What was Thor's father's name? 'Odin. 4 00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:38,280 'Sorry, Moss, I've really got to go.' 5 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:41,000 Awww, just a few more, just a few more... 6 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:43,400 No, no, I'm sorry, you've done more than enough. 7 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:48,240 OK, all right, baby, see you later. Bye-bye. Wow! Right? 8 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:51,920 That's an impressive knowledge of the Marvel universe. I know. 9 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,240 Well, you've done it. 10 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:56,560 You've finally found a woman I can do business with. 11 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:59,600 Yeah, no, don't say things like that. 12 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:03,400 I'm sorry, I'm just so excited for us! No... 13 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:10,640 If you don't go in all the way, it doesn't really count. 14 00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:13,960 SHE LAUGHS 15 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:18,040 Hey, Red! Stand back, stand back, this one's mine. 16 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,400 I'm going to do everything for you, really nice. 17 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:22,680 Stand back, stand back, she's all mine. 18 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:29,080 It's tight. You're so strong. 19 00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:35,080 SWIRLING MARIACHI-STYLE MUSIC 20 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,200 FROTHING HISS 21 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:47,320 Oh! 22 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:49,800 Ah, yes, yes. 23 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:54,440 It's bubbling over. 24 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:16,600 It's on the house...for you. 25 00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:22,240 Oh, my God! You inspire me. 26 00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:26,760 Have a great day. I will...and you. 27 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:28,840 Thank you. Ciao. 28 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:34,080 BABY TALKS FRENCH 29 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:38,600 Moss, have you seen this video of the baby speaking French? 30 00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:42,400 It went viral at 10:30, Roy, of course I've seen it. 31 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:44,760 I must have been in the toilet. 32 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,480 Ah, Jen, exciting news, 33 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,320 I've just uploaded the second episode 34 00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:50,240 of my board games review show. 35 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:51,800 Care to have a look? 36 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:57,160 That was fast. 37 00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:01,520 Seems like only yesterday we had to sit through the last one. 38 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,280 It was three months ago, Jen. Really? 39 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:07,800 It feels like it just happened. Roy, did you hear that? 40 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:12,120 Moss has done his board game review show again. I'm not watching that. 41 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:13,760 I'm not watching that again. 42 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,960 Jesus Christ, we don't have to watch it, do we? 43 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,600 We only sat through the first one the other day. 44 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:26,600 It was three months ago. My God! Wow, it feels like it just ended. 45 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:32,920 It was so boring! It was like being insane, it was so insanely boring! 46 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:37,160 Roy's not a fan but you said you liked it. 47 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:42,840 Where did you get your coffee? A new place. Any good? Really good. 48 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:46,400 You specifically said, and I quote, 49 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:49,280 "You must show me the next one, Moss." Did I? 50 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,680 Did I really? My God! PHONE RINGS 51 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,280 Oh, if you'll excuse me, 52 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,920 that'll be my lady love from the seventh floor. 53 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:59,960 That's going well? Oh, yeah! He's cock-a-hoop over this Sheila. 54 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:03,920 OK, so that'll be over soon, then. 55 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,320 Hey, I'll have you know that Alice is nuts about me. 56 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:12,000 She thinks that I'm emotionally artistic. Well, what does that mean? 57 00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:17,120 Erm, she said that emotionally I was on the artistic spectrum. 58 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:22,920 I think it means that I'm creative about my feelings, you know, 59 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:26,440 more in tune with her wants and needs than most men. 60 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,200 Oh, she's rung out... That keeps happening. 61 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:30,920 All right, if I'd said I'd watch it, 62 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:33,600 then I suppose that's what I'm going to have to do. 63 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,800 That's the spirit, Jen. Come on, let's get it over with. 64 00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:38,160 Now, keep an open mind. 65 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,240 I know the first show was a bit "bare boned" but I think you'll 66 00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:45,120 really enjoy my new episode, or "webisode", if you prefer. 67 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:47,000 I don't prefer that, no-one does. 68 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:50,120 Come on, come on, sooner it starts, sooner it's over. 69 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:53,200 FUNKY BASS GUITAR Game board. 70 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:01,000 Game...game...game... 71 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,280 Game... Board. 72 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:11,760 Game... Board. 73 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,200 Game... Board. 74 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:19,920 Board...board...board...board... 75 00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:27,400 Hello and welcome to Games Board. Today on the show, we have... 76 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:29,080 So, guys... I've been playing... 77 00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:33,880 What's coming up on the show... 78 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:39,280 ..guys? I've... I've been playing Ports of Essen. 79 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:42,960 A strategic trading game, where each player takes 80 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:47,120 the role of a Danish fishing port merchant in the 16th century. 81 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:51,440 And for a change of pace, 82 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:54,800 I've been looking at the expansion to Textile Merchant. 83 00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:58,000 Textile Merchant, Norfolk Edition. 84 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:02,440 Two games by Reiner Kiniksi? Hold on to your hat, 85 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:03,600 it's going to be a bumpy... 86 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:05,400 FUNKY BASS GUITAR 87 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:09,160 Let's talk about components. 88 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,920 Shouldn't we do rules before components? 89 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,760 It won't make any sense if we do it before the rules. 90 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:17,240 Don't forget to cut this conversation. 91 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:19,640 What? Well, don't let the actual programme... 92 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,800 FUNKY BASS GUITAR 93 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:28,720 How long is this? Even hearing it is bad. I need to stop hearing it. 94 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,680 Sorry, Moss, I can't do it, it's unbearable. Where are you going? 95 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:36,000 I'm jealous of your coffee. You literally can't watch it? 96 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:38,240 I literally can't watch it. 97 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,040 So what can we do to make it better? 98 00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:45,440 Well, I don't want to say anything that might hurt your feelings. 99 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:48,880 It's all right, I can take it, Jen. I'm a big boy. 100 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:51,800 Well, as I say, it's slow, it's so slow. 101 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:55,440 OK, good, it is a bit slow, we can work on that. 102 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:59,240 And I guess the other thing is that it's terrible. 103 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,920 It's slow and terrible. 104 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,280 If a friend asked me to describe it, I'd say it's a slow, 105 00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:07,280 terrible thing on the internet, that I could only watch for a minute. 106 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,320 Is this helpful? Arr...pfft! 107 00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:16,960 So helpful! God! Slow, terrible, could only watch it for a minute. 108 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,360 Wow, a lot to get our teeth stuck into there. 109 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:22,040 OK, well, let's see if I can help you with anything else. 110 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:24,760 Erm, none of you are any good in front of a camera. 111 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,520 None of us, yeah... You've got really annoying voices. 112 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:29,040 The voices are a pain, yes. 113 00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:31,160 I guess that's because you haven't got any confidence. 114 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:35,000 No confidence. I mean, if there's one thing you need, it's confidence. 115 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,480 It is confidence. Absolutely. 116 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:40,360 Well, Jen, I can only thank you, once again... And another thing... 117 00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:42,400 I'm not listening any more! 118 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:52,000 Douglas, you're incorrigible. I'm incorrigible? 119 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:53,760 You're Raymond Peterfellow, 120 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:56,840 owner of the finest lap-dancing establishments in Soho. 121 00:07:56,880 --> 00:08:01,600 If anyone's incorrigible it's you, you perfumed porno vampire. 122 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:03,760 THEY LAUGH 123 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,880 Perfumed porno vampire, I like that. 124 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,880 So you're thinking of having 500 of these travelling across London? 125 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:13,080 That's what I said. Sexy and classy. 126 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:15,240 And that's difficult to pull off. 127 00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,560 This will get people talking, all right. 128 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:19,960 Consider me one happy shareholder. 129 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:24,520 Right. Oh, big party coming up on Thursday night, if you're up for it? 130 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,240 Damn, I'm supposed to be doing Secret Millionaire. 131 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:29,920 BLEEP it, I'll cancel. I'll tell my assistant. 132 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:34,120 Hi, Joan. Jen. I'm not your assistant, Mr Reynholm. 133 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,360 I want you to cancel Secret Millionaire for me. 134 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:38,640 I'm not your assistant, wouldn't know who to call. 135 00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:41,400 Just say anything, work your usual magic. 'Not your assistant. 136 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:42,960 'I am not your...' 137 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:45,680 Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was the toilet. 138 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:47,160 Didn't this used to be toilets? 139 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:50,800 Yes, I moved my office here to be closer to the ladies toilets. 140 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:54,360 Must get someone to take that sign down. 141 00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:57,320 What's wrong with you, Ross? 142 00:08:57,360 --> 00:09:01,720 Small mocha, please. Small mocha, please. Okey-dokey. 143 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:07,920 Or medium... 144 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:11,240 Yeah, you know what? I've changed my mind, I think I'll have a medium. 145 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,360 So, you don't want a small one? 146 00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:19,200 Small's fine, small is just as good, so I'll...just... 147 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:22,920 Yes, that is what I'll have, I'll have a small mocha, my little man. 148 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,200 My good man. 149 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,480 OK, coming up. 150 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:45,480 Got it? 151 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,520 OK. 152 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,200 (Fuck's sake.) 153 00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:08,960 Thank you for the virgin gin and tonic. 154 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,320 I suppose you could just call it tonic. Yes. 155 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:18,640 So, Ross, how goes it in the world of computers? 156 00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:21,240 Or PC world, if you will? 157 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:23,320 We're all very happy, thank you, Mr Reynholm. 158 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:27,440 Very happy indeed. Forget this "we" malarky, I'm talking to you, Ross. 159 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,840 Are you happy? Very happy, thank you, Mr Reynholm. 160 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,400 Look, I'm not your boss. 161 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:34,440 We're just a couple of guys, a couple of guys, 162 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:36,800 shooting the shit, now tell me the truth. 163 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:42,360 Well, I suppose, sometimes I do feel I lack a little confidence. 164 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:45,720 I know, it's silly. 165 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:48,560 No, I've just realised what a funny voice you have. 166 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:52,800 Now, Ross, I'm going to tell you something. 167 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:57,440 Confidence is a confidence trick. Look at me, what do you see? 168 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:02,080 A man who inherited his father's successful business. 169 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,720 Wasn't that successful. It was pretty successful. 170 00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:06,960 A lot more successful than it is now, that's for sure. 171 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,440 All right, all right, just say the right thing. 172 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:11,120 Say the thing I want you to say. 173 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:14,880 Say, "A confident man", say "A confident man". A confident man. 174 00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:18,040 I wasn't always this way. There was a time when I was just like you. 175 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:20,840 But then I discovered the secret. 176 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:23,200 And, Ross, I'm going to tell you what that secret is 177 00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:25,200 but you must keep it to yourself. 178 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:27,520 I will take my ears to the grave. 179 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:34,400 Two words. Women's slacks. 180 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:41,040 I'm sorry? 181 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:43,640 Women's slacks. 182 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:50,760 Women's slacks? Yes. I'm wearing women's slacks. 183 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:55,760 You're wearing women's slacks? Yes. 184 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:04,600 That's nothing like what I thought you were going to say. Is it not? 185 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,200 It is not. 186 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:09,320 I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation, or something. 187 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:10,600 HE LAUGHS 188 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:14,040 Book recommendation? I can't read. 189 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,760 No, I don't know what it is, but women's slacks give me 190 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:20,160 the confidence I need to survive in a tough business world. 191 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:23,520 They're lighter, airier and less constricted than men's trousers 192 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:26,720 and I'm pretty sure it doesn't make me a transvestite. 193 00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:41,160 Look at that shit, look at it. I can't... How am I supposed to... 194 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:45,440 It looks like he milked a cow over it. You're so fussy about coffee. 195 00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:49,240 It's very annoying. It's ruined. He ruined my coffee. 196 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:51,080 Don't just chuck it like that. 197 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,880 That fellow shouldn't be allowed to be a barista. Why not? 198 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:58,200 Because he's too small, Jen. He's clearly too small to be a barista. 199 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:04,360 What? You're being a bit of a small person racist, Roy. 200 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:08,600 A small person racist? That's not a thing. 201 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,720 You can't have tiny baristas, Jen. 202 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:14,440 For God's sake, the man works with steam. 203 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,960 I'm going to have to have a word with him. 204 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:21,480 Have a word with him? That's right. About his height? 205 00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:26,040 I think he'd appreciate the feedback. About his height? 206 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,480 That's not what people do, Roy. 207 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:32,200 Well, I'm not people, Jen, and I think that's a good thing. 208 00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,480 I'm not afraid to cut through the bullshit. 209 00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:39,480 I bet this is exactly what Alice was talking about. Autistic. 210 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:42,200 She said, "Autistic." That's what happened. 211 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:47,920 No, I don't think so. There is no artistic spectrum. 212 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,280 But she's so... 213 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:54,760 Did she say it during an argument, by any chance? 214 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,720 She did say it during a... She did say it... 215 00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:01,240 You know what was weird, was we were having quite a big argument 216 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:05,080 and then suddenly, out of nowhere, she paid me that lovely compliment. 217 00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:06,360 PHONE RINGS 218 00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:10,600 Hey, baby. 219 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:13,440 Oh, oh, good, good, yes. 220 00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:16,320 Sure, yeah, I'd love to. 221 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,040 Yes, OK, well I'll see you there. 222 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:25,600 What? Why? No. 223 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:27,920 Hello? Alice? 224 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:35,840 That was weird. What? OK, so, what the hell is that? 225 00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:38,720 So she tells me that her grandfather died, she wants me to go to the 226 00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:42,840 funeral. I say that I'd be delighted, then she hangs up on me. 227 00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:45,120 Her grandfather's funeral? Yeah. 228 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:47,960 That's what you were just talking about just there. That's right. 229 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:52,080 You sounded like you were being invited to Glastonbury. 230 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:58,280 Oh, funerals are sad. You did not sound sad. 231 00:14:58,320 --> 00:14:59,600 I wasn't concentrating. 232 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:02,200 Emotionally artistic? You're emotionally colour-blind, 233 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:05,720 that's what you are. Maybe I am emotional colour-blind. 234 00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:08,080 I was about to confront that little man. I know. 235 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:10,160 I was going to give him shit about his height. 236 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:14,960 Glad you realise now how inappropriate that would've been. 237 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,480 I'll just leave him a note. 238 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:42,560 I'm here on purpose. Oh, yes. 239 00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:49,840 I'm interested in women's slacks. I see. 240 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:53,080 I'd like... Sorry. Hot ear. 241 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:59,520 I'd like to buy a pair of women's slacks. 242 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,400 For me, not for a woman. 243 00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:04,720 Oh, yes, well, that shouldn't be a problem. 244 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:08,840 I'm not trying to look like a woman. I understand. 245 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:14,480 I'm not a confident man. 246 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:18,920 Quite. Well, let's see what we can do for you. 247 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,920 I don't know about this. Oh, just ask them, Jen. 248 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,640 Me and Juan, we have a thing. 249 00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:31,480 I don't want another splashy-splashy coffee from the teeny-tiny 250 00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:34,040 coffee man. Poor woman. 251 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:37,360 No, no, no, don't give her money. You're not supposed to do that. 252 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:40,520 I'm actually a person, Roy, with human feelings. 253 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:49,440 SHE GIBBERS 254 00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:51,640 I'm sorry, I thought you were... 255 00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:53,520 SHE GIBBERS 256 00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:56,080 I don't know what to do. Here's £5. Do you want £5? 257 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:57,800 SHE GIBBERS 258 00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:01,600 I don't know if you want money. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 259 00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:05,200 I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What happened? Never mind, just go. 260 00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:08,360 SHE GIBBERS 261 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:21,440 What do you think? I think... 262 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:23,520 you just sold a brother some slacks. 263 00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:34,520 Help, help, get off me! Let go. You're a bully. 264 00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:37,480 Need to save that old woman, but I have no confidence. 265 00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:53,280 Hey! 266 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,120 Thank you. 267 00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:21,000 Hey, come, come, no queue for you. Come on. 268 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:22,720 Hello, Juan. I'm with her. 269 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:30,640 It must be my birthday. I get to see you twice so quick. Back again. 270 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:32,520 Same as usual, please. 271 00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:33,720 Could I ask you a huge favour 272 00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:36,280 and ask you to make Roy's coffee for him, too? 273 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:40,440 I've been going on and on about you. And I like what I heard. 274 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:42,560 Would that be OK? Would you mind? 275 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:46,760 Of course, anything for you, my sweet. OK. 276 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:53,840 Slippery fingers. 277 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:27,480 It's all right. It's not all right. Look, it looks like me with a beard. 278 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,960 I don't want this. It's horrible. 279 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:41,480 Oh, my God! I didn't mean to. I don't hate you. 280 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:42,800 None of this is on purpose. 281 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:45,280 SHE GIBBERS 282 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:48,440 What can I do? Let me give you some money. 283 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,480 Here's £10. Oh, my God! 284 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:54,880 I'm not with her. 285 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:58,400 Oi! Oi! Did you write this comment? What? No. 286 00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:00,280 You've got a problem with smaller people? 287 00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:04,080 I don't have a problem with small people, OK? I don't. 288 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:06,520 I just don't want you making my coffee. 289 00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:09,920 Because you're bad at it. You're bad at making coffee. 290 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:12,400 You're too small. You're too small to make good coffee. 291 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:15,040 You know what? Up yours. No! 292 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,680 Little man, watch out! 293 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:24,640 It's being called the viral video of the year. 294 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,160 A woman throws her coffee onto a tramp 295 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:30,440 and then a man has an argument with a small barista. 296 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:31,760 You're just too small. 297 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:36,640 The barista goes to cross the road and is hit by a van with breasts. 298 00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:41,720 The woman who's been dubbed by various online commentators 299 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:45,680 as Coffee Tramp Toss Bitch has not been identified, 300 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:49,400 while the man known as Small Person Racist was also... 301 00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:55,760 Small people are not a race. This isn't Game Of Thrones. 302 00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:01,840 They're actually calling me a bitch on the news. 303 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:04,960 What the hell happened there? How did you find out it was us? 304 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,640 It's all here in the weekly surveillance report. 305 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:11,840 What's going on, Joan? I expect better from my assistant. 306 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:13,920 I'm not your assistant. My name isn't Joan. 307 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:17,680 What's your beef with the homeless? I don't have any homeless beef. 308 00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:23,040 Ah, so it's women you hate. Well, that I can understand. 309 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:26,440 Whoa, whoa, you record our e-mails and tape our phone calls? 310 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:28,680 All right, dry your eyes, Bono. 311 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:31,520 If you've nothing to hide, you've nothing to fear. 312 00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:34,680 It wasn't my fault Mr Reynholm. I would never throw coffee over 313 00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:36,000 a homeless woman. 314 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:38,600 I would never abuse a small person, 315 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,760 certainly not enough to make a van with tits hit him. 316 00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:47,760 Although, I suppose I sort of did. I sort of did my one, too. 317 00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:51,120 It's frustrating that we did both of our things. Yes, it is. 318 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,160 All right, spare me. 319 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:57,440 I was young once, but if this gets out, this could deeply damage 320 00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:00,920 Reynholm Industry's ability to make that product that we make. 321 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,000 What do you want us to do, Mr Reynholm? 322 00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:07,160 Don't do anything. Stay out of trouble and remain there. 323 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:10,960 There are places lower than the basement. 324 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:21,880 Stop worrying, Jen. Nobody can make us out in that video. 325 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:24,600 It's just like early footage of happy slapping. Just relax. 326 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:27,400 I can't relax. It's all right for you. I have plans. 327 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:32,160 I want to get up there. I will not be a social piranha. A what, now? 328 00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:37,000 Jim, take a look at this. What is it? It's the new-look game board. 329 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:40,840 200,000 views? I know. It's a bit different. 330 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,440 Check it out. Game board. Shut the fridge. It's... 331 00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:49,080 Game board. BLEEP game board. 332 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:54,400 Say what? 333 00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:02,440 Wow! You all seem different somehow. Yes. 334 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:04,560 We're all wearing women's trousers. 335 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:08,440 Oh. Right. 336 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:10,920 Hey, what's going on? Let's get the game board. 337 00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:13,240 He is... Newton Sinclair. 338 00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:15,520 This guy is... Roger Booth. 339 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:18,560 And I guess I'm still Maurice Moss. 340 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:22,120 Are you wearing your trousers now? 341 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:25,840 I couldn't wear them all the time, Jen - I'd have a heart attack. 342 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:29,080 No, they're safely locked away in my fortress of solitude. 343 00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:33,240 It's funny - when I wear them, I'm a dynamo. 344 00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:36,120 A young Leonard Kravitz, people hanging off my every word. 345 00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:39,640 And then as soon as I take them off, I'm just back to being the same... 346 00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:44,520 She's gone, hasn't she? She's gone. She went quite a while ago. Yeah. 347 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:48,520 Oh, Michael Buble's here. No, no, it's a funeral, Moss. 348 00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:51,560 I have to go to this funeral for Alice's grandfather 349 00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,280 and I'm not looking forward to it. 350 00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:55,160 Funerals are pain in the crack. 351 00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:59,480 Even in the best of circumstances, they're no picnic, 352 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:03,560 but now I've got Alice on my arse, like the emotion police. 353 00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:06,920 I'm going to have to look convincingly sad 354 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:09,160 for the majority of the day. 355 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:15,760 She's not going to expect me to cry, is she? No. What if she does? 356 00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:18,120 I can't cry on cue. What do I do then? 357 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:22,520 Do what I do when I need to cry. Use a mild pepper-spray solution. 358 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:26,040 Now that makes sense. See? 359 00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:28,800 That makes more sense than having to feel something. 360 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:30,560 Do you have any of that stuff here? 361 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:33,160 Why do you think we have a mini-fridge? 362 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:34,840 Good evening. 363 00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:38,640 You've got quite a lot of it. 364 00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:40,800 I suppose I have made quite a lot of it. 365 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:46,160 And what's in here? Just Tabasco, wasabi and a bit of tear gas. 366 00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:51,800 Those sound like bad things to put in your eyes. It's extremely mild. 367 00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:56,440 It's mainly water. OK, I'll take it as a last resort. As a last resort? 368 00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:59,240 In case I find myself out of my emotional death. There you go. 369 00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:01,560 All right. Thanks, Moss. Bye. Bye. 370 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:08,160 Oh, don't forget to add the water. 371 00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:22,080 CHURCH BELLS CHIME 372 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:27,760 ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS 373 00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:31,280 Oh, poor Pip Pop. 374 00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:33,600 Sorry, what? 375 00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:35,240 Pip Pop... 376 00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:39,240 We always called him Pip Pop because he was so short. 377 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:43,720 All of my family on that side are really short. 378 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:46,280 Is that right? 379 00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:51,600 SHE WEEPS 380 00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:54,520 Oh... 381 00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:55,840 Oh, Alice. 382 00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:57,360 Shh... 383 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:08,360 Oh! 384 00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:10,400 Roy, are you all right? Holy...! 385 00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:12,640 Yeah, it just really hurts. 386 00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:14,160 Oh, darling. 387 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:18,280 Oh, it hurts. I know. I know. 388 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:21,800 Oh... 389 00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:32,080 Oh, Christ, why is this happening? 390 00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:37,480 COMMENTARY: 'Will we ever find out just who this person was? 391 00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:40,280 'Unfortunately, with current technology we can't depixelate 392 00:26:40,360 --> 00:26:42,960 'the picture, so it's very unlikely we'll ever find out 393 00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:45,400 'the identity of this dreadful ginger cow.' 394 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:54,440 Oh, are you still crying? I don't seem to be able to stop. 395 00:26:56,400 --> 00:27:00,000 One of the pallbearers wasn't able to make it. Oh... 396 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:02,760 Look, I know this is a bit weird. 397 00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:04,880 Do you mind stepping in? 398 00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:08,720 I'm happy to. I mean, I'm sadly happy to. Yeah, that's fine. 399 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:10,920 That's fine. 400 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:14,560 Hi, thanks so much for helping us out. No problem. 401 00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:16,240 Hey! 402 00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:18,560 Hello. Oh, there's another one. 403 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:21,840 Hi. Are these the other pallbearers? Yeah. 404 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:27,720 So you guys and me, we are going to carry the coffin together? Yes. 405 00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:32,120 We are going to put the casket on our collective shoulders 406 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:34,440 and walk in a straight line with it? 407 00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,840 No, it didn't go well, Jen. It didn't go well at all. 408 00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:39,640 I mean, thanks for asking, but no, it wasn't a success. 409 00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:42,360 It wasn't a successful funeral for me. 410 00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:45,840 It didn't have the required gravitas. 411 00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:48,040 Gravitas? No, no. 412 00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:52,920 It wasn't very dignified. It wasn't dignified at all, Jen. 413 00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:56,680 If I had to pick a word to describe Pip Pop's final journey 414 00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:59,720 to the grave, it would be "funny". 415 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:04,680 It was so funny, Jen. Of course, I tried not to laugh 416 00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:06,920 and I tried to put other things in my head, 417 00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:09,800 but every step that we took was a fresh reminder 418 00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:13,840 of just how funny the whole thing was! 419 00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:17,200 You didn't laugh, did you? I laughed my hole off. 420 00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:21,440 I can't believe she's still with you. 421 00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:23,960 I suppose, but, I mean, I'm hanging on by a thread, Jen. 422 00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:27,800 I think I'll just get through it as long as nothing else bad happens. 423 00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:29,880 TELEPHONE RINGS 424 00:28:32,360 --> 00:28:34,120 There's the phone now. 425 00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:40,600 COMMENTARY: 'The new footage has led to the pair being identified, 426 00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:43,960 'Jen Barber and Roy Trenneman, both employees at Reynholm Industries.' 427 00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:47,240 What the hell were you thinking? 428 00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:49,920 I told you to keep a low profile 429 00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:51,360 and you do it again! 430 00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:55,880 No, no, no, no, no, it's new footage, Mr Reynholm. 431 00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:57,920 Bum your excuses! 432 00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:01,240 Reynholm Industries has a reputation to uphold. 433 00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:04,720 We're not News International, for Christ's sake! 434 00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:07,480 I'm going to have to do Secret "Pissing" Millionaire now 435 00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:09,360 just to undo your damage! 436 00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:12,520 And I'm missing out on a massive party! 437 00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:15,160 You're no longer my assistant. 438 00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:18,560 I'm furious. 439 00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:22,200 And I'll tell you something else, 440 00:29:22,280 --> 00:29:24,240 when I return from the estate, it's... 441 00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:27,840 ..for you. 442 00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:33,760 Oh... 443 00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:34,920 MOBILE PHONE RINGS 444 00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:37,240 Oh! 445 00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:39,400 Oh, hey, baby. 446 00:29:39,480 --> 00:29:41,600 Oh, yeah, of course. 447 00:29:41,680 --> 00:29:43,040 No, absolutely. 448 00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:45,520 All right, OK. Bye-bye. 449 00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:49,240 She left you? She did. Yeah. 450 00:29:53,120 --> 00:29:56,200 As the identities of Coffee Toss Tramp Bitch 451 00:29:56,280 --> 00:29:59,080 and Small Person Racist are finally revealed, 452 00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:00,880 we at Channel 4 News ask, 453 00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:03,600 "What the hell is wrong with people?" 454 00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:13,840 I've got a lot of new followers on Chitter. 455 00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:15,440 Loads more followers, yeah. 456 00:30:15,520 --> 00:30:17,000 They're all very abusive. 457 00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:18,480 They wish we were dead. 458 00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:20,280 Wait. 459 00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:22,760 What? Chitter. 460 00:30:22,840 --> 00:30:26,080 We can use Chitter to explain ourselves. 461 00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:29,000 Yeah. 462 00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:31,920 Chitter is the perfect place to explain a complex situation. 463 00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:33,240 I know that. 464 00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:35,520 "I didn't mean to throw coffee on that woman. 465 00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:37,080 "I didn't know she was there. 466 00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:39,560 "I went back to try and find her but..." 467 00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:43,440 Oh... Too many characters. Too many characters. 468 00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:44,840 Got it. 469 00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:47,080 "Hate the homeless. 470 00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:50,120 "And I suppose I hate women, too? 471 00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:52,320 "LOL." 472 00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:53,480 Send. 473 00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:56,840 Whoa. You didn't just send that, did you? Yes. 474 00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:58,200 That didn't sound so good. 475 00:30:58,280 --> 00:31:00,840 People get the sense of it, that's the thing about Chitter. 476 00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:03,680 It's best if you're conversational and off-the-cuff. 477 00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:05,160 Here it is. 478 00:31:05,240 --> 00:31:08,560 Oh... You didn't put a question mark after the first sentence. 479 00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:10,840 You don't need to use proper grammar on Chitter. 480 00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:13,760 What you've Chitted here, Jen, is, 481 00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:18,320 "Hate the homeless and I suppose I hate women, too. LOL." 482 00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:21,400 Phew, I'm glad all that's over. 483 00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:26,880 JEN GROWLS 484 00:31:46,640 --> 00:31:48,440 EVIL LAUGHTER 485 00:31:51,040 --> 00:31:52,760 SCREAMING 486 00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:59,040 SCREAMING 487 00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:32,080 You're too small, you're just too small! 488 00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:34,320 You're too small, too small, too small... 489 00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:39,080 'Which then leads to him being hit by a van with tits.' 490 00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:52,680 And now Anonymous are after us. 491 00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:55,200 Well, that's just ideal. 492 00:32:55,280 --> 00:32:58,520 Oh, a bunch of nerds sitting at their computer, what can they do? 493 00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:02,440 We pissed off the Internet, Jen. The Internet is coming to get us! 494 00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:07,840 Well, let's get IT before IT gets us. 495 00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:09,200 What are you...? 496 00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:13,880 Oh, I don't want Anonymous after me. 497 00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:16,000 I'm in anonymous... 498 00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:17,360 I think. 499 00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:20,520 Let's hide it. 500 00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:24,200 What? 501 00:33:24,280 --> 00:33:27,000 The Internet. 502 00:33:27,080 --> 00:33:28,800 Oh... 503 00:33:30,360 --> 00:33:33,400 Because we told you that was the Internet? 504 00:33:34,800 --> 00:33:36,520 Yes. 505 00:33:36,600 --> 00:33:38,960 We never told you it wasn't the Internet? 506 00:33:41,040 --> 00:33:42,520 No. 507 00:33:42,600 --> 00:33:45,720 Well, the thing is, Jen... 508 00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:48,440 that's not the Internet. 509 00:33:48,520 --> 00:33:50,680 What's Jen doing with the Internet? 510 00:33:52,600 --> 00:33:54,880 We're not doing that. Oh... 511 00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:57,920 Crickets! 512 00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:01,800 Right, don't be scared, yeah. 513 00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:03,680 We're all friends here. 514 00:34:03,760 --> 00:34:07,720 Tell Dougie your story? OK, but who is he again? 515 00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:11,040 I'm just your average social worker. 516 00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:14,120 Yes, just in the area having a look around. 517 00:34:14,200 --> 00:34:16,600 Please just pretend I'm not here. 518 00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:19,240 Do you ever have anyone come round and help you and stuff? 519 00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:21,960 Granddad, sometimes. He's hardly around. 520 00:34:22,040 --> 00:34:25,000 What about your dad? He's never around, either... BEEPING INTERRUPTS 521 00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:28,000 Sorry, my friend, I need to stop you there. I must take this. 522 00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:29,480 Reynholm... 523 00:34:29,560 --> 00:34:32,680 What? Well, increase the bid. 524 00:34:32,760 --> 00:34:35,120 I don't care what I said the ceiling was. 525 00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:37,480 I want that artwork by Madonna. 526 00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:42,560 Now, 22 million is the minimum but I'm happy to go to 50. 527 00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:45,720 In fact, make 50 the new minimum. Yes, yes. 528 00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:49,360 I can't talk right now. 529 00:34:49,440 --> 00:34:52,560 I'm doing Secret Millionaire. 530 00:34:54,720 --> 00:34:55,960 That's very sad. 531 00:34:56,040 --> 00:34:59,760 Do you want to shut up, we're filming Secret Millionaire. 532 00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:01,600 Check your privilege. 533 00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:04,520 How am I finding it so far? 534 00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:07,800 To be honest with you, it's not as god-awful as I thought it would be. 535 00:35:07,880 --> 00:35:11,360 People have been terribly nice. They're actually quite clean. 536 00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:14,040 I have been invited to a party this evening. 537 00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:17,520 The last party I ever went to was when Elton John's dog had a baby. 538 00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:20,960 LOUD MUSIC PLAYS 539 00:35:23,520 --> 00:35:25,920 I tell a lie. The last party I went to was when 540 00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:28,160 Conrad Black got arrested. 541 00:35:28,240 --> 00:35:29,800 Conrad Black, who's that? 542 00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:32,880 Oh, no-one, just an old friend. Let's get in there. 543 00:35:32,960 --> 00:35:34,280 Yeah, sure. 544 00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:43,800 So I thought with Game Board's increased viewership, 545 00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:47,160 perhaps it would be a good place to put my side of the story and 546 00:35:47,240 --> 00:35:50,600 show the world I'm not the monster I'm currently supposed to be. 547 00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:52,720 Boo! Boo! 548 00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:54,000 Don't boo, please. 549 00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:56,160 That is a horrible T-shirt. 550 00:35:58,280 --> 00:36:01,760 So the question everyone is asking, Jen Barber, do you hate women? 551 00:36:01,840 --> 00:36:03,680 Oh... 552 00:36:03,760 --> 00:36:05,480 Thank you, Jen Barber. 553 00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:09,800 Coming up, what was it like to be a 14th-century grain merchant? 554 00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:12,840 Wait, I don't know if that was clear. Sorry, it's these trousers. 555 00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:17,400 They make me want to move onto the next item. It's better broadcasting and the slacks know it! 556 00:36:17,480 --> 00:36:21,160 Coming up. Will you stop saying, "Coming up". Next... I don't know if they got my point! 557 00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:24,800 Oh, gosh! 558 00:36:24,880 --> 00:36:26,400 Oh! 559 00:36:26,480 --> 00:36:28,040 Oh, gosh. 560 00:36:28,120 --> 00:36:30,560 Richmond, do you work here or not? 561 00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:33,960 I don't get paid, but I like to come in. 562 00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:36,080 So that Goth to boss thing didn't work out? 563 00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:39,600 Does it look like it worked out? 564 00:36:39,680 --> 00:36:42,240 Anyway, how have you guys been? 565 00:36:42,320 --> 00:36:44,520 Everyone thinks I'm a misogynist. 566 00:36:44,600 --> 00:36:47,480 Roy lost his girlfriend because he's emotionally colour-blind 567 00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:50,800 and Moss is wearing trousers that make him good at telly. 568 00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:52,680 Any gossip? 569 00:36:52,760 --> 00:36:54,960 What's going on with you? 570 00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:57,960 Oh, you know, keeping busy, voice-over work mainly. 571 00:36:59,280 --> 00:37:00,880 Really, how did that happen? 572 00:37:00,960 --> 00:37:03,520 Someone just noticed I had a beautiful voice. 573 00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:09,840 Oh, Richmond. 574 00:37:09,920 --> 00:37:11,520 Things aren't going well at all. 575 00:37:11,600 --> 00:37:13,800 Just get in there. 576 00:37:13,880 --> 00:37:16,200 It's just not the same when you guys aren't together. 577 00:37:16,280 --> 00:37:18,480 Anyway, if you want me, you know where I am. 578 00:37:20,840 --> 00:37:22,640 I don't, though, Richmond. 579 00:37:22,720 --> 00:37:24,680 Don't...lurk! 580 00:37:26,400 --> 00:37:27,640 Where did he go? 581 00:37:27,720 --> 00:37:29,200 Where did who go? 582 00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:37,640 Does it ever seem to you that the things that happen to us 583 00:37:37,720 --> 00:37:39,680 are sort of... 584 00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:41,360 strange? 585 00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:43,480 How so, Roy? 586 00:37:43,560 --> 00:37:45,680 Well... 587 00:37:45,760 --> 00:37:48,480 remember when I had to pretend to be disabled 588 00:37:48,560 --> 00:37:50,560 and I ended up in Manchester? 589 00:37:51,720 --> 00:37:54,360 That wasn't a normal thing to happen, was it? 590 00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:58,920 Or when you ended up spending the night in that arcade machine. 591 00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:00,680 That was odd. 592 00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:04,360 I suppose those were unusual events. 593 00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:05,920 And this is strange. 594 00:38:06,000 --> 00:38:08,920 What's happening to us right now is strange, isn't it? 595 00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:11,280 Well, at least, it'll all be over soon. 596 00:38:11,360 --> 00:38:14,400 Douglas is bound to fire us when he gets back. 597 00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:17,080 Come on, guys, this isn't us. 598 00:38:17,160 --> 00:38:19,080 Are we just going to sit here and take it? 599 00:38:19,160 --> 00:38:21,440 What do we normally do when we get into a scrape? 600 00:38:21,520 --> 00:38:23,840 We normally make things worse and worse and then it ends. 601 00:38:23,920 --> 00:38:26,520 No, we don't. We stick together. That doesn't sound like us. 602 00:38:26,600 --> 00:38:29,360 Don't know where you're getting that from... Come on, who are we? 603 00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:31,320 Who are we? I want to hear you say it! 604 00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:34,080 We're the IT... We're the IT... ..Department. 605 00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:36,960 You're goddamn right we are! 606 00:38:37,040 --> 00:38:39,360 Are you wearing women's slacks? Yes, I am. 607 00:38:39,440 --> 00:38:41,240 This is exactly what I'm talking about. 608 00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:57,040 Let's get into a car and cruise around. 609 00:38:57,080 --> 00:39:01,960 How to get into a car? Smash a window. Great idea. 610 00:39:02,000 --> 00:39:03,360 That's the one. 611 00:39:05,040 --> 00:39:08,480 I'm such an idiot. I've got a robot hand. 612 00:39:12,760 --> 00:39:15,080 Hang on a second. This is MY car. 613 00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:24,000 HEAVY BASS LINE PLAYS 614 00:39:29,520 --> 00:39:31,720 MELLOW CLASSICAL PIANO PLAYS 615 00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:36,480 HEAVY METAL PLAYS 616 00:39:36,520 --> 00:39:37,600 POLICE SIREN WAILS 617 00:39:37,640 --> 00:39:40,480 Oh, shit. Wow-wow-wow. It's all right, everyone, be cool. 618 00:39:40,520 --> 00:39:42,560 I'll handle this. Take that. 619 00:39:56,800 --> 00:40:00,560 It's all right, Officer, I'm doing Secret Millionaire. 620 00:40:02,760 --> 00:40:06,000 Come on, come on, come on, people. What's going on? 621 00:40:06,040 --> 00:40:07,680 Come on, come on, come on, people. 622 00:40:07,720 --> 00:40:10,680 How long has he been wearing the trousers? He won't take them off. 623 00:40:10,720 --> 00:40:12,080 OK, come on, come on, come on... 624 00:40:12,120 --> 00:40:14,920 What's going on, what's going on? We don't know what's happening. 625 00:40:14,960 --> 00:40:17,200 OK, come on. To every problem, there's a solution. 626 00:40:17,240 --> 00:40:19,240 What's our problem here? What's our problem? 627 00:40:19,280 --> 00:40:22,560 Everyone thinks I'm a cow who hates women. You're a cow. 628 00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:28,800 Terrible cow. Women, OK. Roy, hurt me. 629 00:40:28,840 --> 00:40:31,560 Erm, the woman I love thinks that I hate small people. 630 00:40:31,600 --> 00:40:33,960 Small people, thank you, Roy. 631 00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:37,160 I'm probably going to die alone in front of computer pornography? 632 00:40:37,200 --> 00:40:38,920 I'll just draw a sad face. 633 00:40:44,320 --> 00:40:49,960 OK, so what do women and small people both like? 634 00:40:50,000 --> 00:40:55,960 What do they both like? Chairs. Films. I really don't know. 635 00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:59,480 I'll tell you. It's just they seem like very different groups. 636 00:40:59,520 --> 00:41:02,760 Very different groups. Not being attacked. 637 00:41:07,360 --> 00:41:09,640 They both love not being attacked. 638 00:41:10,840 --> 00:41:14,920 Well, I can't speak for small people, obviously, but as a woman, 639 00:41:14,960 --> 00:41:18,680 I certainly like not being attacked. Where are you going with this, Moss? 640 00:41:18,720 --> 00:41:21,000 I'll tell you exactly where I'm going with this, Roy. 641 00:41:21,040 --> 00:41:24,040 I'm saying that we use this brief window, while Douglas is away, 642 00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:27,880 to produce a pepper-spray solution for small women, 643 00:41:27,920 --> 00:41:30,040 using that stuff I gave Roy earlier. 644 00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:31,560 That sounds really weird. 645 00:41:31,600 --> 00:41:35,960 Jen Barber, not a hater of women but their defender, their champion. 646 00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:38,160 I love it now. 647 00:41:38,200 --> 00:41:40,840 And I can do a massive presentation. 648 00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:46,280 A self-defence pepper spray for small women suits my purposes also. 649 00:41:46,320 --> 00:41:50,880 It will show Alice that I care and, as a woman with small relatives, 650 00:41:50,920 --> 00:41:53,560 she's sure to come to Jen's presentation. 651 00:41:53,600 --> 00:41:56,920 You know, when I first stocked that mini-fridge with pepper-spray solution, 652 00:41:56,960 --> 00:42:02,200 I thought I'd made too much...but only now do I realise 653 00:42:02,240 --> 00:42:06,000 that I'd made exactly the right amount for our current purposes. 654 00:42:07,960 --> 00:42:11,560 It almost seems like it's too good an idea. 655 00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:15,600 You see what we can do when we work together? With my business acumen... 656 00:42:15,640 --> 00:42:18,440 My scientific know-how... And I'm also here... 657 00:42:21,200 --> 00:42:23,760 We can do anything! Yes! Yes! 658 00:42:25,560 --> 00:42:27,160 I need a trouser break. 659 00:42:36,400 --> 00:42:38,000 You coming, Roy? 660 00:42:38,040 --> 00:42:40,640 I can't seem to get the wording of this speech to Alice right. 661 00:42:40,680 --> 00:42:42,040 You're doing a speech? 662 00:42:42,080 --> 00:42:45,120 Yeah, I need to show her that I'm not emotionally colour-blind. 663 00:42:45,160 --> 00:42:49,200 I'm actually a very sensitive human man, and she needs to know that. 664 00:42:49,240 --> 00:42:53,640 Oooh, what's a more romantic word for "knockers"? 665 00:42:53,680 --> 00:42:56,240 A MORE romantic word? 666 00:42:56,280 --> 00:43:00,200 Come on, guys. Let's protect women! I'll meet you up there. Good luck. 667 00:43:00,240 --> 00:43:01,440 Thanks. 668 00:43:02,880 --> 00:43:04,680 Eartha Kitts! 669 00:43:06,040 --> 00:43:07,800 Right, is everything ready? 670 00:43:07,840 --> 00:43:09,400 Yeah, well, I've got the posters up 671 00:43:09,440 --> 00:43:12,280 and I've put gift bags with pepper spray beside each chair. 672 00:43:12,320 --> 00:43:14,920 Now, I think it was a master stroke to put the spray in these 673 00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:16,280 elegant bottles. 674 00:43:16,320 --> 00:43:19,240 Why not look stylish while you defend yourself? 675 00:43:19,280 --> 00:43:21,280 Something's bothering me, though. 676 00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:25,040 Are we missing something that's very obviously wrong with this idea? 677 00:43:25,080 --> 00:43:28,080 I really don't think so. Oh, look, here comes everyone. 678 00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:35,760 Hello, and welcome to this very special 679 00:43:35,800 --> 00:43:40,560 presentation for women by a woman, me a woman, who loves women. 680 00:43:40,600 --> 00:43:44,280 By your seats you'll find a gift bag, and in that gift bag 681 00:43:44,320 --> 00:43:46,720 you'll find our very exciting new product. 682 00:43:46,760 --> 00:43:49,080 No, don't do that. 683 00:43:49,120 --> 00:43:50,920 SCREAMING 684 00:43:50,960 --> 00:43:52,840 No, you're not supposed to... 685 00:43:54,720 --> 00:43:58,080 Yes! I have some things I have to say to you! 686 00:43:58,120 --> 00:44:01,480 No, I need to go. No, you are going nowhere. 687 00:44:01,520 --> 00:44:05,480 Now, I know in the past that you have accused me 688 00:44:05,520 --> 00:44:07,760 of being emotionally colour-blind. 689 00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:08,920 SHE SCREAMS 690 00:44:08,960 --> 00:44:13,920 Shut up and listen. But now I've changed - my sight is perfect. 691 00:44:13,960 --> 00:44:16,040 Now I know what was wrong with the idea. 692 00:44:16,080 --> 00:44:20,960 With your sweet lips and, of course, your lovely bangers, 693 00:44:21,000 --> 00:44:23,160 I know you're the one for me. 694 00:44:23,200 --> 00:44:25,680 I'm in terrible pain. 695 00:44:25,720 --> 00:44:30,400 Me, too, Alice, me, too, but that ends now. It ends now. 696 00:44:37,400 --> 00:44:40,000 That could not have gone better. 697 00:44:40,040 --> 00:44:43,360 Oh, no, Roy, that didn't go well at all. 698 00:44:43,400 --> 00:44:46,160 Oh, right, because we're going to lose our jobs. 699 00:44:47,680 --> 00:44:50,520 Argh! 700 00:44:50,560 --> 00:44:51,720 Mr Reynholm... 701 00:44:51,760 --> 00:44:55,160 So, that's the thing. I gave the boy the can of lager, 702 00:44:55,200 --> 00:44:57,840 so technically I'm guilty of corrupting a minor. 703 00:44:57,880 --> 00:45:00,200 So it's the reason why I bought the tramp uniform 704 00:45:00,240 --> 00:45:03,240 and I've had to make myself scarce. 705 00:45:03,280 --> 00:45:07,160 So, you need somewhere to hide out? Yeah, somewhere off-piste. 706 00:45:07,200 --> 00:45:10,400 Somewhere where no-one will find you. Bottom of the world. 707 00:45:10,440 --> 00:45:13,120 You can use our office if you'd like. Whoo. 708 00:45:13,160 --> 00:45:15,720 Well, I'll need someone to take care of business upstairs. 709 00:45:15,760 --> 00:45:17,160 We're not doing anything. 710 00:45:17,200 --> 00:45:18,880 Well, this is perfect. 711 00:45:18,920 --> 00:45:22,880 My wonderful assistant, Joan, and her two friends, Ross. 712 00:45:22,920 --> 00:45:26,080 I'm going to go and piss around on the internet 713 00:45:26,120 --> 00:45:28,680 but actually I'll need some food. 714 00:45:28,720 --> 00:45:31,520 I've already eaten one of the toys in here. 715 00:45:33,520 --> 00:45:37,960 Did he just say what I think he said? I wasn't really listening. 716 00:45:38,000 --> 00:45:43,960 Is this... Is what's happening good now? Is this good? 717 00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:46,720 Yes, it's a very good outcome. Oh, my God! 718 00:45:46,760 --> 00:45:48,760 I think we've come out on top, I can't believe it. 719 00:45:48,800 --> 00:45:50,680 We've come out on top. 720 00:45:50,720 --> 00:45:52,440 'Jen Barber.' 721 00:45:52,480 --> 00:45:55,760 Oh, I forgot about you. Oh, God, that's impressive. 722 00:45:55,800 --> 00:45:59,200 They're actually watching us. Hey, mate, am I an anonymous? 723 00:46:00,800 --> 00:46:03,520 Silence, you person wasters. 724 00:46:03,560 --> 00:46:06,240 Greetings, Jen Barber. This is your sentence. 725 00:46:06,280 --> 00:46:10,120 You've been found guilty of the most appalling lack of basic human 726 00:46:10,160 --> 00:46:11,600 kindness and decency. 727 00:46:11,640 --> 00:46:13,480 KNOCKING ON DOOR 728 00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:15,120 Come in. 729 00:46:15,160 --> 00:46:20,000 Shush, you. Peter, what are you doing in there? Shut up! 730 00:46:20,040 --> 00:46:23,280 You've been there for hours. I'm doing something. Go away! 731 00:46:23,320 --> 00:46:26,800 Peter, your mum and I are worried about you. Get out. 732 00:46:27,880 --> 00:46:33,280 You need to get off this computer. Who is this? Are these your friends? 733 00:46:33,320 --> 00:46:36,080 I'm sorry. Peter can't play any more. He's coming outside. 734 00:46:36,120 --> 00:46:38,840 'You said I could stay here as long as I wanted.' 735 00:46:38,880 --> 00:46:40,640 We said that you had to come out. 736 00:46:40,680 --> 00:46:43,000 MUFFLED VOICE ON MONITOR 737 00:46:44,920 --> 00:46:47,000 '..do my homework... 738 00:46:47,040 --> 00:46:48,720 'I've done my homework... 739 00:46:51,480 --> 00:46:53,440 'I know my rights...' 740 00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:55,200 WAILS ON MONITOR 741 00:46:57,760 --> 00:47:00,280 This internet's not working. I can't connect. 742 00:47:00,320 --> 00:47:03,040 Just try turning it off and on again. 743 00:47:03,080 --> 00:47:04,480 Thanks, Ross. 744 00:47:26,320 --> 00:47:28,360 RICHMOND: Reynholm Industries is changing. 745 00:47:28,400 --> 00:47:32,360 New opportunities, new faces, a new direction. 746 00:47:32,400 --> 00:47:35,200 A better workplace environment. 747 00:47:35,240 --> 00:47:37,880 Exciting new products. 748 00:47:39,760 --> 00:47:43,480 An inclusive hiring policy... I am sounding happy? 749 00:47:43,520 --> 00:47:46,720 Can you be a little bit more... Yeah, this is me being happy. 750 00:47:46,760 --> 00:47:49,880 Just be a bit more, I don't know... I'm being upbeat. 751 00:47:49,920 --> 00:47:52,960 No, I just want you to speak... Ah, forget it, let's just stop. 752 00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:56,000 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd